I'm Still Here
by connerbailey
Summary: What would have happened if Elliott and Dani didn't convince Kurt to take a break from being around Blaine? If he and Adam reunited only years later?


**This is not a part of the actual "Killing Me Softly" plot. Only AU, my way of showing what would have happened if Dani and Elliott didn't intervene. Inspired by a prompt posted a few days ago by lovejoybliss on tumblr. Please please please read the warnings. It's probably the heaviest thing I've ever written and that says something.**

**Warnings: Abuse (physical, psychical, sexual), rape, mentions of depression and medication.**

* * *

Kurt left work in a pretty good mood. He had a dinner date with Adam planned tonight and his whole day had been brightened up by that. But when he got home his mood immediately changed to concern.

As he entered the apartment and took off his jacket and shoes, he could hear Adam talking to someone on the phone. His voice was slightly agitated and by the sound of it he was arguing with his publicist. With a small sigh, Kurt mentally wrote off date night, realizing that something had happened to spoil Adam's usual good mood. Adam was good at hiding his emotions from others, but Kurt had learned to read every facial expression and vocal tremor.

Kurt went to put the bag in the office and look through papers on the desk while Adam finished his phone call. If there was anything that could make his mood worse it was probably interrupting him while he was already unhappy. So Kurt took his time sorting mail and signing a few documents before he emerged from the office as he heard Adam finish his conversation.

"Hello there?" he said gently and smiled as Adam approached him quickly and pulled Kurt into a hug and brief kiss.

"Hello, love. I'm sorry I was busy with work. I can put it away for the night now, and get ready for our date," Adam said with a smile.

Kurt could see strain in that smile and shook his head. "No, that's okay. We can have our date tomorrow. I have already decided that we're getting take out for tonight. No argument!" Adam relaxed a little and Kurt took his hand, leading him to the kitchen. "Tell me about your day."

""It was long and tiring. The director wanted to change the concept of the show, only to change his mind back again a few hours later, after we'd already spent the entire day working out new blocking."

Adam sighed as Kurt hoped on the table, letting his legs dangle loosely. He was in a good mood but ready to be fully sympathetic to his boyfriend's problems.

"So you lost the whole day worth of rehearsal?" Kurt frowned. He knew how tiring it could be to be spend the whole day rehearsing a new script ideas over and over again. It had to be so much worse when at the end of the day director decided it had all been for nothing.

Adam sighed heavily and shook his head. "It feels like he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe it's my little experience, maybe I'm a newbie to this business but it feels like he's as lost as I sometimes feel."

"You know I have even less experience. Maybe more on backstage since experience from Vogue helped me getting a few jobs. But from what you're telling me he is a little messy." Kurt said softly and stopped for a second to rub Adam's back in a soothing manner on the way to the cabinet. Tea was going to help. It always helped and Kurt was sure if it wasn't a real fix it was at least going to be a relief from the stress. Chamomile and lemon. Go-to choice when things were going too far.

"And then, as if that wasn't enough, I get home and my publicist calls me because apparently there's some nasty rumour about me having an affair behind your back. Which is ridiculous and absolutely unnecessary." Adam huffed and looked at Kurt worriedly. They were still learning to be together. And Kurt had issues from his previous relationship that were still unresolved and often Adam was even unaware of them. And the baggage from Kurt's former marriage with Blaine seemed really heavy, at least what Adam had found out so far. So he always tried to be careful when touching the subjects that could be reminders of the failed past relationship but now and then it seemed like life insisted on bringing them up.

"I know you're not cheating on me, Adam," Kurt reassured him over his shoulder as he prepared mugs for them both and looked through the cabinets in search for sugar.

"I just don't know how it's even necessary. I'm happy with you, I'm not looking for anything else, there's no reason for me to do!" Adam needed to let his negative energy out, he wasn't even a little bit aggressive but sometimes he raised his voice when frustrated. It wasn't even anger, just that - frustration. But Kurt tensed as Adam's words were louder. He knew his boyfriend was nothing but friendly. It didn't really help ease his worries though. It wasn't anything against Adam, more of a muscle memory and flashbacks. "And I just, I love you Kurt. I don't want people to doubt it. I'd never hurt you like that, I'm happy with you. Doing such thing seems so foolish when I have you!" Adam reached to Kurt but he took the step back and tried to protect his face immediately with wide, scared eyes.

"I'm... Im sorry, I don't know what happened..." he whispered in a trembling voice after a minute of complete silence, when he saw Adam shocked expression. Adam was not going to hurt him, he wasn't Blaine, this wasn't the same. He was fine. He was going to be fine.

"Kurt, you thought...?"

"No, no, I don't think you'd hurt me." Kurt shook his head and touched his lips with fingertips. "It's not about you, I promise"

"You're scared." Adam took the step back, giving him more space. Kurt tended to need it in moments like that, when something triggered his emotional reaction he wasn't happy with. He hated showing raw feelings even to Adam, and it was clear the best way to help was giving Kurt time and space. Adam looked at Kurt carefully. They didn't need more panic there, Kurt needed peace so he had to be careful. It was clear there was some history behind this behaviour and it was really painful one.

After a few tense minutes, as soon as Kurt's shoulders hitched and his body relaxed after the shock Adam was right there to catch him in his arms and whisper some soothing nonsense. If anyone asked - he was relieved. Even if he knew they should do what was better for Kurt trying to ignore what had happened would be difficult. Probably impossible. But Kurt was not avoiding him so it was a good sign.

"I'm really sorry I scared you." Adam whispered and held his boyfriend close. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked when Kurt calmed down a little.

"I feel like I owe you the truth." Kurt sighed and stepped back reluctantly. Being held by Adam made him feel safe. Despite everything that happened with Blaine Kurt had no problems with starting to trust Adam again. He had thought he was going to be damaged, broken after his marriage fell apart. And sometimes, like at that moment, he still felt a little broken.

"You don't owe me anything. And you didn't even do anything wrong, I'm just concerned. This didn't seem good, sweetheart." Adam said softly and led Kurt by his hand to the couch nearby. They used to have an extra bed in that place. Back when they thought they were just going to be roommates. "If you feel like sharing though I'm here to listen. I want to help you and I don't want to trigger you like this anymore."

Kurt looked at Adam and bit his lips unsurely. He didn't know how the truth would mirror on their relationship and change what they were. And being with Adam was so easy, he didn't want to lose it.

"It's... Before I moved out. Before I filed for divorce? It got bad between me and Blaine" Kurt sighed heavily and sat on Adam's lap when invited to it. Adam wrapped his arms around him immediately and held him close but not forcefully, not the way Blaine used to sometimes and Kurt was grateful for it. "I never thought it'd get bad. I always knew Blaine was dramatic and he liked to get offended over the most innocent comments and leave, slam the door only to come back with apology hours later. Well, the first time it got worse I didn't think much of it. He slapped me once during a fight. But I really didn't consider this terrible. It was during a fight and that happens, right?" he shrugged but shook his head after noticing Adam's scared face. "No, I don't think this anymore. I know better now. Not that I'll need this experience ever." Kurt laid his head on Adam's shoulder and inhaled deeply, the calming presence of his boyfriend helping to soothe his nerves.

"You won't, I promise you that." Adam whispered and kissed Kurt's forehead.

"So he hit me but we moved on. He apologised and promised it would never happen again. And then... Well the next time it was a fight about the wedding. He wanted to get married right away, I didn't, I was too young, I felt too young. But the fight…" Kurt looked at his lap, avoiding Adam's eyes. "It happened in the middle of sex. I can't explain, I don't remember details I just remember him being on top of me and that I wanted to get out from underneath him but he held me down."

Kurt closed his eyes upon noticing Adam's terrified face. He couldn't possibly ask for no reaction but seeing it didn't help. Looking at Adam's disappointment was not going to help. "Santana got me out of there then. She lived with us and heard everything, she took me to her bed and helped me calm down afterwards. I mean, I had a panic attack. It wasn't the first time it happened but the first time Blaine caused it, at least in that way." Kurt sighed sadly and kept his eyes closed. Adam's body was tense underneath him and he was afraid to look at him.

"But later there was no Santana to help. Later people wanted us to get married, there was no one to listen to me when I kept saying I was too young. So we got married and I moved in with him."

"Sweetheart..." Adam rubbed Kurt's back. The story was already painful. The thought of Kurt suffering because of actual physical violence, he was even sexually abused like that, it was too scary for Adam to think about. Blaine was supposed to be the love of Kurt's life and instead he seemed more like a nightmare. Adam pulled Kurt even closer at the thought.

"No, don't... I need to get through this. I want you to understand but I can't... I don't want you to feel sorry for me, okay?"

Adam shook his head with resignation. Even now Kurt wasn't accepting warm words. And he deserved the more than anyone else Adam knew. But there was nothing he could do to convince Kurt so he nodded and listened quietly.

"When we moved in together it was amazing. At first. I mean we were happy and we stopped fighting, I felt like maybe it had been just the stress of upcoming wedding. Maybe just living apart, previous decision, maybe we just needed to learn to be together again. And after the wedding we finally we knew how. I felt happy, Adam, I did. I was happy I was with Blaine and I couldn't imagine my life going a different way." Kurt smiled involuntarily at memories of quiet evenings with his former lover, spent together in peace and all times Blaine made him happy in those months. Then his face fell at the thought of what happened later.

"But over time... It wasn't that he started suddenly hitting me, I don't really know how it even happened, I don't think I did something but I don't remember details. I can't possibly figure out when exactly this happened. I just know at one point he started demanding sex. At first it was just that, I mean newlyweds should be intimate a lot, right? But with our history already... I should have thought better about it." Kurt shook his head and started trailing his finger on Adam's chest. He was so grateful to have his newly refound boyfriend there. "But I didn't. And he was demanding. I tried to keep up, I tried to be intimate with him as much as I could. But I'm just… I'm not afraid of it, I'm not asexual but my needs weren't as big as his. I don't find sex to be as important as he did. A lot of times I wasn't in a mood. But he stopped listening. Sometimes just ranting about me avoiding to be with him until I got bored. Then I'd ignore him or tell him to stop and he'd get angry but leave me alone. But other times he stripped be without asking for permission. The worst was when he just didn't listen when I said no. I felt so... _violated_, you know? Because I didn't want that and I said no but he just didn't care. It reminded me of something he's done before but it was so much worse because I didn't have a way out. Sometimes he got violent then already. I just thought he didn't do it on purpose, he didn't want to hurt me, that's what he said every time he saw my bruises after sex. And I believed him, I mean, I wasn't into that but he was and maybe I should have been clearer about it. So I stayed with him. I saw no reason not to. But then he started hitting me. And I was scared, so many times, Adam, I was terrified he would hit me again if I said something he didn't like, acted the way he didn't want me to. Every time something went I thought I was going to be hit again."

"Kurt, I know you told me not to interrupt you but this is terrifying. Did anyone ever find out? Was he punished?" Adam asked softly and rubbed Kurt's back again in slow soothing moves.

"I landed in a hospital once. " Kurt admitted quietly and flinched when Adam gasped.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Adam whispered and rubbed Kurt's shoulder. He didn't mean to scare him, the story was just much worse than he ever expected to hear and Adam didn't know how to stay calm anymore.

"I don't... actually remember details. I think he slapped me and I fell, must have hit my head on something. The fight wasn't really that big but it wasn't surprising. But I ended up in a hospital. And I lied. I told them I fell. But they saw bruises on my hips and they saw I had a broken rib and I just... I know I'm a good actor but for a second I let myself slip and they just deduced what happened. I don't think it'd make me end the relationship if it wasn't for counselling they made me go to. And the therapist, well, she was quite blunt about this. She said that I can stay in this relationship and I can hope for it to get better. And it may, maybe. There's always a slight chance. But I may end up dead, too. And that was more likely." Kurt paused to blow his nose and dab away the tears that had started falling from his eyes. "I realised I had to get out. I was scared he'd hurt me. Not on purpose but just... He could get so angry, Adam…"

"You did the right thing, love. I'm glad you broke up with him." Adam whispered and kissed Kurt's forehead again, looking at him sadly. "I'm so sorry he managed to hurt you so much before that."

"I filed for divorce. And immediately I lost everything. He kicked me out of the apartment, I lost all my friends. I almost lost my dad, he was on Blaine's side before he actually saw my bruises when he flew out to New York. I told one person..." Kurt bit his lip and sighed deeply. "I told Rachel but she said I was exaggerating and Blaine wasn't like that. That was the last time we talked. After that, well... I think you know the story from there. I was lonely and in New York without an apartment. I stayed with some Apples, they took me back after you left, until I got back on my feet. And then a few months later when I was looking for a roommate, well, you showed up." Kurt smiled and looked at Adam gratefully.

"I'm glad I did. I had no idea it'd be you who put up an advert and I thought about not coming in when I noticed you in that cafe for our roommate interview. I was scared to face you because of how we ended before. But you looked so..." Adam tried to find a word to describe the despair he saw on Kurt's face that day.

"Miserable. I was miserable. I had to move from a great place to a tiny shoebox and find a roommate to even afford that."

"Well, for one I'm glad you needed someone. Not glad in those circumstances, especially not now that I know all of them. But it gave us an opportunity to reconnect." Adam smiled and touched Kurt's cheek. "I just... I don't understand how you managed to keep all of this inside, sweetheart."

"I felt like I had to, especially after seeing reactions of people who found out and didn't believe me. I'm still seeing my therapist though. There's more I should have told you. Thinking of it now, I should have told you simply because you're my boyfriend and roommate and in case anything happened they'd ask you. But I was ashamed." Kurt sighed and stood up. "I'm on anti-depressants. I didn't want to tell you because I was scared you'd be disappointed in me. Or angry. Or you'd just..." he shook his head and chuckled bitterly. "But I know you're not that person. It's just so difficult sometimes to remember there are good people in the world."

"Come back here?" Adam requested gently but Kurt shook his head again and went to the bathroom. Adam waited on the couch, not sure if he should follow and after a second his boyfriend was back in the living room with a bottle of pills in his hand.

"I take these." he handed it to Adam and bit his lip unsurely. The man took them and looked at the description label.

"Prozac? A year from that, you're still on such strong medication"

Kurt's face fell and he wrapped his arms around himself. "I know. I'm weak."

"No, that's definitely not what I meant." Adam straightened on the couch and put the pills on the table nearby before standing up and taking Kurt's hand gently. "I mean that... I don't know how I missed this. How can I live with you and miss this? We've been together for a few months and we're living together and I missed the fact you felt so bad your doctor keeps you on strong prescription medicine" he groaned, angry at himself. Of course, Adam noticed that something was wrong. Not even that they were together for half a year and there was a strict "fully clothed all the time" rule. That didn't even bother him for a second. But Kurt sometimes flinching when there was a sudden noise nearby. Having this toiletries bag that Adam was asked not to touch. The hours weekly where he disappeared when not being at work. Adam should have known, should have asked earlier and given more support to Kurt.

"It's not your fault. I didn't want you to find out. I did everything for you not to find out. Elle said it's a mistake but I just... You're such a positive person. And a happy one. And I'm a mess and I know we started dating and I know I should be honest with a person I love. But this was just so difficult... Because I feel broken." Kurt whispered.

Adam sighed and reached for Kurt's hands. "You're not broken, though. You went through a lot and you deserve my support and I'll give you all of it. And I would have started long time ago if I knew. But you had to be ready first and I understand that. You went through something awful and you didn't owe me the truth so I waited for it. And now it's here and we'll have to deal with this but you're the same person to me you've always been. You're the same Kurt. And you deserve all my love." Adam said softly.

Kurt smiled and sniffled quietly. "How did I even get so lucky to you in my life?"

"You needed a roommate." Adam laughed and stood up to kiss Kurt. They had a lot to get through. Kurt was probably going to need more therapy and more medicine and all the support. But he was worth it and Adam planned to do anything to help him.


End file.
